Two years ago..

I wrote this..

"Fifteen days from now, I will be 61 years old and still not as wise as maybe I should be. SIXTY ONE, dammit.. wah!!

I had a bucket list but can’t remember where I put the bucket. I am so crippled up at times, getting to the front door is an excursion in itself. I am more tolerant than I used to be, but nobody gets to see me so I can show them. The only fun in getting old is that I can get away with behaving oddly, but I am too self-conscious to do that."

Since then, my life has not moved forwards, and I have had cancer and the surgery to remove it in the meantime. My torso looks like a battlefield, but is still very soft to the touch. I am for the time being a cancer survivor, my only claim to fame since December 23, 2013.

So, what happens next? You tell me because I don't have a clue.

What I want is to recapture something I had a long time ago, and the person catching my attention, call it the effect of pheromones if you will because I have no idea what the hell else it could be, has gotten into my head, drawn me in and I want a closer look.

General sense tells me to forget it, but I can't and don't want it that way. There is an element of selfishness involved on my part but I am, when all is said and done, just human like everybody else. Presently, it is driving me to absolute distraction. Regardless of what I am doing at any point in time, I can't get her out of my head.

I have no official faith in the sense that most would understand. It is just me vs the rest of the world. There is no direction or person I can turn towards for help. The cancer treatments left me almost for dead, and I have bad feelings about what I face today. I wanted to end it back then, and I may get those feelings back quite soon.