Carrying a torch..

I have carried a torch for over forty years. In the beginning, it was for a real, live, beautiful girl, but we were the only ones who were in favour of a union. Everybody else was against it, and I walked away, heart full of regret. In later years, when I realised that I had lost her forever, it was for her spirit, all that she was.

Looking back now, I can see that I never recovered from the experience. Every relationship since, it has always been more like a business arrangement because I never found the girl or her spirit, but I had a fear of being left alone.

For the last few years, I have essentially been a prisoner of circumstance, but a reprieve is on its way. Is it too late for me? I will have a nest egg, but no regular income to keep it from eroding quickly. Two years from now, I can claim for a British pension but it will be very small, not enough to cushion the fall. My age is against me, leaving me little time with the person for whom my heart desires so badly. And yes, there is a girl who has the same spirit I felt and saw over forty years ago.

I am the same person as when seventeen years old. I have the same disposition, the same capacity to love, be loyal as I had then. What I do not have to offer is anything long-term, not security, not years of abject happiness, joy or any other feeling. I have a few years left at best and approaching the end may not be pretty.

This time, I will not ask for a hand. I will have to walk away again, before anything starts, and the only saving grace is that I will not have to carry the torch for another forty or more years because I don't have that many years left to me.

I will not be sorry to see an end to this life. Were I to be told that my end would come tomorrow, while it would end my quest for a loving life, chances rarely come more than once and I have had two, neither going anywhere as history will record.

My advice to anybody following me is this. When you find what means most to you and the other person feels the same, don't ever let him/her go, no matter what anybody else tells you..

Stay safe.. always..