It's all good..

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is toweling off, when the doorbell rings. After arguing over which one should answer the door, the wife gives ...up, quickly wraps herself in her towel, and runs downstairs. 

It’s Bob, their next-door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of him. 

After looking her up and down, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman retrieves her towel and goes back upstairs. 

Her husband shouts from the shower, "Who was that?"
“Bob from next door
"Great!" the husband says. "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"
 
Moral of the story:
Sharing critical information in a timely fashion may prevent avoidable exposure.

Angie, you were so real, girl. Now you have gone..

Te amo, siempre

There is no point waiting for a reply to words that are not heard..

When you no longer see the hawk overhead, it has either found somewhere to land or has fallen from the sky..

God times, Bad times

My search for a lost love has finally ended. I know where she is , but she is still with a guy she married back in '84. Selfishly, I was hoping that she would be single, but that is not the case. It is time to finally put my feelings to rest. Had I been able to find her between 1979 and 1983, the outcome would have been very different. I would have ensured that it was..

In the meantime, I have been diagnosed with Osteoporosis, and have a very painful compression fracture in my lower spine. Time appears to be running out for me, and still I haven't found anybody to whom I am willing to give heart and soul like I did back when I was eighteen years old.

Ambivalence to living or dying remains. If somebody was to tell me tomorrow would be my last day, it would pass over me with any feeling at all other than the fact that I never found my true love..  

The desire to die..

.. is returning, and after months of not smoking, I have re-started. I don't have a reason in my life to do otherwise, only a dream that I might be able to find a corner someplace where I can curl up with 'my love, my lover'.

I have a nephew who looks up to me for my strength. Maybe one day soon, I will let him see this blog, and he will stop seeing me as the ultimate tower of strength, and find his own course and cause. For now, I will try to support him as best I can even though I am struggling to support myself..

There is also a grand-daughter who looks up to me. She is absolutely the best, and will find her way without me, will have to do that.

I wish them all the best.. now and forever.. 

If..

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.

Attributed to Richard Bach, author of 'Jonathon Livingston Seagull, but you will NEVER find these words in that book or any other by Richard Bach.

The above fact doesn't make the statement any less true..

Hanni, more than ever I need that light.. 

When

WHEN

When the world looks dark all around you
 All you need is love, I know
 All your doubts and fears will disappear
 And turn into song

 When the night light shines from your window
 You'll remember all I've said
 And your heart will feel
 That sudden beat setting you a goal ???

 Please come back to my arms
 I need all your love tonight

 When the clouds have gone
 You will see me
 Can you turn your love my way
 I want you to love me
 Every minute of the day

 Please come back to my arms
 I need all your love tonight

 When the clouds have gone
 You will see me
 Can you turn your love my way
 I want you to love me
 Every minute of the day
 Won't you say you will

 (Dave Clark / Lenny Davidson) 

Two years ago..

I wrote this..

"Fifteen days from now, I will be 61 years old and still not as wise as maybe I should be. SIXTY ONE, dammit.. wah!!

I had a bucket list but can’t remember where I put the bucket. I am so crippled up at times, getting to the front door is an excursion in itself. I am more tolerant than I used to be, but nobody gets to see me so I can show them. The only fun in getting old is that I can get away with behaving oddly, but I am too self-conscious to do that."

Since then, my life has not moved forwards, and I have had cancer and the surgery to remove it in the meantime. My torso looks like a battlefield, but is still very soft to the touch. I am for the time being a cancer survivor, my only claim to fame since December 23, 2013.

So, what happens next? You tell me because I don't have a clue.

What I want is to recapture something I had a long time ago, and the person catching my attention, call it the effect of pheromones if you will because I have no idea what the hell else it could be, has gotten into my head, drawn me in and I want a closer look.

General sense tells me to forget it, but I can't and don't want it that way. There is an element of selfishness involved on my part but I am, when all is said and done, just human like everybody else. Presently, it is driving me to absolute distraction. Regardless of what I am doing at any point in time, I can't get her out of my head.

I have no official faith in the sense that most would understand. It is just me vs the rest of the world. There is no direction or person I can turn towards for help. The cancer treatments left me almost for dead, and I have bad feelings about what I face today. I wanted to end it back then, and I may get those feelings back quite soon.

Notice to all who encounter me..

Too old?

Am I too old for this? And if I am, would somebody tell me why?

I have more to offer to this world than at any time in my past, but not in terms of cold hard cash. That is something I don't have, but that is all.

I have the same feelings as when I was seventeen, the same capacity to love, to care, to protect, to succeed, but still people tell me that I am too old. Maybe I will get the last laugh, because it's going to happen to you too and you will be left asking the same question as I am now. Expect no sympathy from me..

Carrying a torch..

I have carried a torch for over forty years. In the beginning, it was for a real, live, beautiful girl, but we were the only ones who were in favour of a union. Everybody else was against it, and I walked away, heart full of regret. In later years, when I realised that I had lost her forever, it was for her spirit, all that she was.

Looking back now, I can see that I never recovered from the experience. Every relationship since, it has always been more like a business arrangement because I never found the girl or her spirit, but I had a fear of being left alone.

For the last few years, I have essentially been a prisoner of circumstance, but a reprieve is on its way. Is it too late for me? I will have a nest egg, but no regular income to keep it from eroding quickly. Two years from now, I can claim for a British pension but it will be very small, not enough to cushion the fall. My age is against me, leaving me little time with the person for whom my heart desires so badly. And yes, there is a girl who has the same spirit I felt and saw over forty years ago.

I am the same person as when seventeen years old. I have the same disposition, the same capacity to love, be loyal as I had then. What I do not have to offer is anything long-term, not security, not years of abject happiness, joy or any other feeling. I have a few years left at best and approaching the end may not be pretty.

This time, I will not ask for a hand. I will have to walk away again, before anything starts, and the only saving grace is that I will not have to carry the torch for another forty or more years because I don't have that many years left to me.

I will not be sorry to see an end to this life. Were I to be told that my end would come tomorrow, while it would end my quest for a loving life, chances rarely come more than once and I have had two, neither going anywhere as history will record.

My advice to anybody following me is this. When you find what means most to you and the other person feels the same, don't ever let him/her go, no matter what anybody else tells you..

Stay safe.. always..

Black-bird

I always like this song, but the words have more meaning now than they ever did before. Lyrics courtesy of Lennon and McCartney, and the song appeared on the Beatles' 'White' Album ..

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Black-bird fly
Black-bird fly, into the light of a dark black night

Black-bird fly
Black-bird fly, into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise
you were only waiting for this moment to arise
you were only waiting for this moment to arise

The view from my smartphone..

The 'Small Blue'

This butterfly..

 .. as cute as it looks, can cause interminable grief if it and others are in your 'stomach' and there is nothing that anybody can do about it. Of course, it has to be in the right place at the right time.. or is that the wrong time.   Not sure really.. :-).

Hanni, I implore you..

.. don't let the lamp fade..

I am coming, depleted and with few chattels, but I am coming..

Isn't she just sooooo beautiful.. 

It happened in Hyde park, 1998

The event was 'Feet of Flames', an Irish dance extravaganza. There were two performers in the show who were granted permission to 'do theri own thing', and these were the results.

First, "Morrighan, The Temptress", aka Gillian Norris..

and Bernadette Flynn, breaking out..

Enjoy..

The power of the sea..




It's behind you

Lyrics that moved me.. and still do

Gladiator (2000) - Now we are free
Ortiginal

Now We Are Free

Anol shalom
Anol sheh lay konnud de ne um {shaddai}
Flavum
Nom de leesh
Ham de nam um das
La um de
Flavne…
We de ze zu bu
We de sooo a ru
Un va-a pesh a lay
Un vi-I bee
Un da la pech ni sa
(Aaahh)
Un di-I lay na day
Un ma la pech a nay
Mee di nu ku
(Fast tempo, 4 times)
La la da pa da le na da na
Ve va da pa da le na la dumda
Anol shalom
Anol sheh ley kon-nud de ne um.
Flavum.
Flavum.
M-ai shondol-lee
Flavu… {Live on…}
Lof flesh lay
Nof ne
Nom de lis
Ham de num um dass
La um de
Flavne…
Flay
Shom de nomm
Ma-lun des
Dwondi.
Dwwoondi
Alas sharum du koos
Shaley koot-tum.

 

English translation

Now We are Free

Healing to me
And freely to you from Sol Omnipotens
Yellow
Wings of Joy
Warmth of Day,
Sun of Dawn
O Sun of Yellow,
The Son of Righteousness,
Son of Morning Light,
Shine high and below!
Shine Aeonion!
Shine now, O Great I AM!
(Aaahh)
Shine now, O He Who Was!
Shine now, O Great to Come!
Now we are Free!
(Fast tempo, 4 times)
One the One now whom he was to be!
And the One by whom we now do all see
Healing to me;
Healing to you now freely from Sol:
Yellow
Yellow
For all the world too
Yellow
Live on
Rays below,
Come now,
Wings of Joy
Warmth of Day, Sun of Dawn;
The Sun of
Yellow,
Yellow,
Flame by Day
From Our Lord
Jesus,
Jesus,
True Sun of Liberty
Healing you free.

 

The Video

 

This is one of my all-time favourite movies, yet I can't bear to watch it. Everything about it haunts me.

Lyrics that moved me.. and still do

Alison Krauss - Moments like this..

What a dying world re-defines, the reasons we strive to exist
Refrain control and we're bound to learn the meaning of moments like this
'Cause in the peaceful lull, the quiet
Seduced by the promise of bliss, we soon forget that nothing's happened yet
We're living for moments like this

So hold me, whisper gently this is what we live for, how we learn who we are
It defines us, ever reminding us that life never is more precious than this

From the dim light in the greyness, the aim of the soul tends to miss
Then the clouds catch fire and the oceans pitch
We're made for the moments like this

So hold me, whisper gently that there's nothing to fear
You'll always be near, to remind me, to stand behind me
Although life can be rough we can never give up

It's in our power to face the storm with all its fury and madness
The flash of thunder will be harnessed with the longing and sadness
The clouds will grey.

Hold me. Whisper gently this is what we live for, how we learn how we are
It defines us, ever reminding us that life never is more precious than this
Hold me. Whisper gently that there's nothing to fear,
You'll always be near, to remind me, stand behind me
Although life can be rough we can never give up.

The Video
Somebody was going to sing this to me, but the moment never transpired.

A walk in the park

Take somebody with you. Share the experience..

In the eye of the beholder..

Behold..

Lyrics that moved me.. and still do

Alice Cooper - Poison

Your a cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
(Don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
(Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace, on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
(And pins)
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin
(Deep in)
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison I don't wanna break these chains, poison

One look
(One look)
Could kill
(Could kill)
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you but I better not touch
(Don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
(Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison I don't wanna break these chains, poison
(Poison)

I wanna love you but I better not touch
(Don't touch)
I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much
(Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
Yeah, well I don't wanna break these chains, poison
(Poison)
Runnin' deep inside my veins

Burnin' deep inside my brain, poison
(Poison)
I don't wanna break these chains
(Poison)
(Poison)
Poison
I don't wanna break these chains

The video