Two years ago..

I wrote this..

"Fifteen days from now, I will be 61 years old and still not as wise as maybe I should be. SIXTY ONE, dammit.. wah!!

I had a bucket list but can’t remember where I put the bucket. I am so crippled up at times, getting to the front door is an excursion in itself. I am more tolerant than I used to be, but nobody gets to see me so I can show them. The only fun in getting old is that I can get away with behaving oddly, but I am too self-conscious to do that."

Since then, my life has not moved forwards, and I have had cancer and the surgery to remove it in the meantime. My torso looks like a battlefield, but is still very soft to the touch. I am for the time being a cancer survivor, my only claim to fame since December 23, 2013.

So, what happens next? You tell me because I don't have a clue.

What I want is to recapture something I had a long time ago, and the person catching my attention, call it the effect of pheromones if you will because I have no idea what the hell else it could be, has gotten into my head, drawn me in and I want a closer look.

General sense tells me to forget it, but I can't and don't want it that way. There is an element of selfishness involved on my part but I am, when all is said and done, just human like everybody else. Presently, it is driving me to absolute distraction. Regardless of what I am doing at any point in time, I can't get her out of my head.

I have no official faith in the sense that most would understand. It is just me vs the rest of the world. There is no direction or person I can turn towards for help. The cancer treatments left me almost for dead, and I have bad feelings about what I face today. I wanted to end it back then, and I may get those feelings back quite soon.

Notice to all who encounter me..

Too old?

Am I too old for this? And if I am, would somebody tell me why?

I have more to offer to this world than at any time in my past, but not in terms of cold hard cash. That is something I don't have, but that is all.

I have the same feelings as when I was seventeen, the same capacity to love, to care, to protect, to succeed, but still people tell me that I am too old. Maybe I will get the last laugh, because it's going to happen to you too and you will be left asking the same question as I am now. Expect no sympathy from me..

Carrying a torch..

I have carried a torch for over forty years. In the beginning, it was for a real, live, beautiful girl, but we were the only ones who were in favour of a union. Everybody else was against it, and I walked away, heart full of regret. In later years, when I realised that I had lost her forever, it was for her spirit, all that she was.

Looking back now, I can see that I never recovered from the experience. Every relationship since, it has always been more like a business arrangement because I never found the girl or her spirit, but I had a fear of being left alone.

For the last few years, I have essentially been a prisoner of circumstance, but a reprieve is on its way. Is it too late for me? I will have a nest egg, but no regular income to keep it from eroding quickly. Two years from now, I can claim for a British pension but it will be very small, not enough to cushion the fall. My age is against me, leaving me little time with the person for whom my heart desires so badly. And yes, there is a girl who has the same spirit I felt and saw over forty years ago.

I am the same person as when seventeen years old. I have the same disposition, the same capacity to love, be loyal as I had then. What I do not have to offer is anything long-term, not security, not years of abject happiness, joy or any other feeling. I have a few years left at best and approaching the end may not be pretty.

This time, I will not ask for a hand. I will have to walk away again, before anything starts, and the only saving grace is that I will not have to carry the torch for another forty or more years because I don't have that many years left to me.

I will not be sorry to see an end to this life. Were I to be told that my end would come tomorrow, while it would end my quest for a loving life, chances rarely come more than once and I have had two, neither going anywhere as history will record.

My advice to anybody following me is this. When you find what means most to you and the other person feels the same, don't ever let him/her go, no matter what anybody else tells you..

Stay safe.. always..

Black-bird

I always like this song, but the words have more meaning now than they ever did before. Lyrics courtesy of Lennon and McCartney, and the song appeared on the Beatles' 'White' Album ..

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Black-bird fly
Black-bird fly, into the light of a dark black night

Black-bird fly
Black-bird fly, into the light of a dark black night

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise
you were only waiting for this moment to arise
you were only waiting for this moment to arise

The view from my smartphone..

The 'Small Blue'

This butterfly..

 .. as cute as it looks, can cause interminable grief if it and others are in your 'stomach' and there is nothing that anybody can do about it. Of course, it has to be in the right place at the right time.. or is that the wrong time.   Not sure really.. :-).